A Little Bit of Everything Lost Read online

  Their lips were chapped, they had explored practically every part of one another; she had inhaled him so deeply she felt she could be sucked into his skin. He wore Obsession – she had asked, he had told her. She wanted to eat the smell up, to taste it on every part of his body. It was so heady, strong, so perfect of a smell; it matched him. She knew, at that moment, no matter where things led, that scent would always remind her of him and their experiences. And the thought both frightened and excited her.

  Joe threaded his fingers through her hair gently, then tugged at the ends a little, but she liked that. She liked making him think he could maybe get further, that she could be swayed, even though she knew she wouldn’t give in that night.

  Breathe. That was the name of the band on MTV. And she tried to remember to do that. To breathe. Because that night, it was so very hard to do.

  She wanted to open up his brain and pluck the words from his head, hear the thoughts he was having about her. She felt Joe was different. This would be something extraordinary. Even at nineteen, she could sense this. And she wanted to know everything about him, already.

  She wanted to dig into his mind, excavate it, rotate the soil inside and bring up fresh dirt. She wanted to seed new experiences, till new memories created just between the two of them.

  Chapter Six

  October 2004

  “Mommy! Daddy’s on the phone!” Trey called from his spot on the floor as he watched Jeremy play Tony Hawk’s Skateboard Fantasia on Xbox.

  Marnie grabbed a kitchen towel and dried her hands. She had finally gotten to the dishes from dinner and her back ached. She took the phone from Trey just as he was yelling that it was his turn to play. Marnie cringed. This was one of those times she wondered how they would have managed another child, and then the guilt crept in and she was overcome with grief.

  But seriously, all Jeremy and Trey did was fight, especially when Stuart was traveling. And they punched each other. And made Marnie crazy. She imagined a girl would have been easier. And then there was another layer of that guilt and grief that took her back to June. She buried it back down and focused on Stuart. Went into the flat-line autopilot mode she managed so well.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey babe, just checking in. How’s your day been?”

  “Typical. The boys are arguing, they still don’t know what they want to be for Halloween, I’m behind on a couple of photo edits I have to do, the raccoons ripped through the garbage cans you forgot to put out before you left, and I’m working on a mega migraine right now, counting down to bedtime.”

  Silence.

  “I’m sorry, Stuart. Not your fault. How was your flight?”

  “The first leg was delayed, so we had a lot of angry passengers, but we made up some time with the tailwinds.”

  Stuart was a commercial pilot; had been a pilot before they met. While that had attracted Marnie to him, that wasn’t what first drew her to her husband. It had been the softness in his eyes, there was something in him that showed her he was a caring man. She knew, right away somehow, that he would care for her. And that he would be an amazing father.

  But the fact that he was a pilot, working in a glamorous field, well, that was definitely exciting. Free travel anytime they wanted. And they did travel. A lot. In the beginning they took vacations all of the time – to the Orient, to faraway beaches, to visit family across the country. On a whim, for quick weekend getaways, they’d go to the airport and wait stand-by and go somewhere. Just because they could.

  Now though, Stuart just traveled a lot. Every Monday morning he was out the door, taking people places. Businessmen to conferences. Grievers to funerals. Vacationers to beaches. Annoying families to Disney. Gamblers and drunks to Vegas. But every Thursday by noon he was back home. He had what other pilots envied – the perfect schedule – a really easy work week. He’d be home Thursdays and they’d have the weekends together, which usually were crammed with soccer games and birthday parties, play dates, yard work, photo shoots for Marnie, house work and laundry. There was rarely an opportunity for anything else – maybe in the summer some pool time, the occasional neighborhood barbecue, or a quick overnighter to her parent’s Michigan lake house, but not much else. Although this past summer, they hadn’t even had the luxury of anything that resembled normal.

  Yet even before what had happened in June, Marnie had felt a crack, a tiny tremor in her life, in their family, in her and Stuart’s relationship. Too much of what was supposed to be there went missing. She didn’t know when it was lost, or what exactly had been lost, but the busyness of regular life seemed to heave its way into whatever it was that it used to be, and now there was no room for anything else. Hardly any room to breathe most days. She feared an earthquake had hit and she was living in the aftershock of it. She didn’t know how to quiet the shaking, that maybe the eruption had been too much, and didn’t know how to stop the harmful aftershocks, didn’t know how to calm the quake, wasn’t sure if it wasn’t better to just let it happen and take cover for when it did.

  And she knew it wasn’t Stuart’s fault. He was a good husband, a wonderful father. Yet she also knew it wasn’t her fault either – not all of it.

  He couldn’t be blamed for what happened with Joe fifteen years ago. He wasn’t to blame for the earthquake of the past summer. And he certainly couldn’t be blamed for Marnie and her complex feelings. Who’s to blame when love and life get complicated? Were they living too close to the fault line and had the earthquakes of their lives already done the damage?

  Chapter Seven

  July 1988

  “For next week, I’d like you to bring in photos representing motion, and we’ll discuss what that means to you and how to capture motion in photographs.” Marnie’s photography professor lifted his glasses from his face and began wiping them clean. “Thank you, you may go now.”

  Marnie was packing up her camera when she felt eyes on her, and she looked up, surprised to see Joe at the door to her class.

  “Mr. Pelcer? How many photos do you want for next week?” one of the students asked.

  “A sampling of ten to fifteen would be an accurate grouping of about four different motion ideas.”

  As the students moved about the classroom to leave, one guy Marnie knew vaguely, Rob, stopped by her desk. “Hey, some of us are going out for pizza, do you want to come?”

  “Thanks Rob, but I think someone has other plans for me,” and she nodded her head in Joe’s direction.

  “Your boyfriend?” Rob asked.

  “Guess you could kinda say so. Sort of.”

  “Lucky guy.”

  Marnie laughed. “Have fun tonight. Maybe I’ll catch up with you guys next week though?”

  “Sure thing. See you next week.”

  “’Kay, bye.”

  Marnie grabbed her camera bag and slung it over her shoulder, then reached down for her notebook. The room had cleared and Joe made his way to Marnie.

  “Hey, you.”

  “Hi, how’d you find my classroom?”

  “A little detective work.”

  “I’d say so, we’re all the way in the back of campus.”

  “You not happy that I’m here?”

  “No, it’s not that,” Marnie said. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. I had no idea you were coming. I’m totally happy to see you.”

  “Good. By the way, I saw that guy hitting on you,” Joe teased.

  “Rob? He wasn’t hitting on me. Everyone’s going for pizza and he invited me along. But I said no.”

  “You said no?”

  “I said no.”

  “How come?”

  “Because you’re here, and I want to be with you.”

  Joe took the camera bag from Marnie and then placed his arm around her waist, leading her out the door to the now darkened hallway. “So, you have to go shoot some things in motion, huh?”

  “Yep, some things in motion,” Marnie repeated.

  “Come on, I’ve got a great idea, if you’re u
p for starting your assignment now?”

  Marnie smiled. “Let’s go.”

  **

  They stopped by the Burger King drive-thru and grabbed some food – fries and a diet Coke for Marnie, while Joe wolfed down a Whopper meal, and then he got on the highway but wouldn’t tell her where they were going.

  The windows were down, the radio was on, not too loud, and it was a perfect summer night. They drove in silence for a while but it was the good kind of silence. Comfortable. Like she had known Joe forever. He wound his fingers in Marnie’s and her hair whipped in the wind, sometimes catching in her mouth so she would have to spit it out. She put her feet on the dash, tapped them to a new Bon Jovi song, and watched as the mile markers soared by. When it appeared they were moving from city into country, Marnie got curious.

  “Where exactly are we going?”

  “There’s this place that’s really cool and I think you’ll get some great shots. Of course, maybe I should have asked you what you feel like taking pictures of, huh?” Joe laughed, and squeezed her hand. No one had ever been so affectionate with her.

  “I trust you have some good ideas.”

  “That I do,” Joe said. “We’re almost there anyway.”

  He turned off the highway and they were on a dirt road with no lights, a few spattering of rickety homes and a junk yard. It was not the place Marnie had imagined Joe would take her. “This looks a little freaky to me.”

  “Mar, trust me, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  A little further down the road, the area cleared to reveal a truck rental company with rows and rows of yellow trucks lined up. A locked gate secured the two-story building.

  “Why are we at a trucking company?”

  “You’ll see. Sometimes you ask too many questions.”

  They pulled up to a security guard booth where a big guy sat inside reading a motorcycle magazine and smoking a cigar. Joe rolled down his window.

  “Hey Mac, how are ya, buddy?”

  “Joey, what are you doing here tonight? Does your dad know you’re all the way out here?”

  “Yeah, we’re here for a school project, photography.” He lifted the camera as proof. “Gonna shoot some trains, if you’ll let us in?”

  “I didn’t know you were taking summer courses?” He tapped the cigar out the window and smiled widely at Marnie.

  “Let me just buzz you through. Do me a favor once you’re in though, make sure to turn off the lights on your way out. Last time you forgot and I got an earful from your dad.”

  “Sure thing Mac. Sorry about that.”

  “Thanks, and behave.”

  “Always do.”

  Mac waved them on as he lifted the security gate and Joe rolled the car through while Marnie looked ahead. Finally, she said, “Your dad owns this company? Are you like totally rich or something?”

  “Or something,” Joe grinned.

  “And what did he mean by ‘last time’? Do you bring all your dates here?” Marnie asked.

  “Only the ones with photography projects.”

  “So, there’s a train track? That’s a great idea. I have the perfect lens to capture the trains and their flashing lights! How often do they come through? Oh my gosh, I’m so excited! This’ll be awesome!”

  “Guess what else?” Joe asked.

  “What? Tell me!”

  “We can shoot from the rooftop, and you’ll have the city view that you can take pictures of too, and you can probably get some shots of airplanes taking off, and… you want to know the best part?”

  “What, what?”

  “If you’re really nice, I might let you kiss me while we’re up there.”

  Chapter Eight

  When Marnie was 28

  Almost immediately, Marnie talked about adding to their family, so it hadn’t been a big secret; it wasn’t anything she had been keeping from him, her desire to have more children. But Stuart didn’t think it was such a good idea. At the time, it angered Marnie. She thought Stuart was going back on a deal, especially when they talked about having a family with three or four kids from the very beginning.

  She remembered when the boys were little how hard it had been though, the first time Stuart left for a trip. She thought she could manage. Jeremy was two-and-a-half, Trey was eight weeks old.

  “I’ll be fine,” she reassured Stuart.

  “Look, Marnie. I can fly my mom out again. She would love to spend some more time with you and the boys. She’ll come help out.” Stuart hugged her so reassuringly. “You know I don’t want to leave you and the boys.”

  “I know,” Marnie hugged him back, baby Trey tucked in between them.

  “Please let me ask my mom to come again?”

  Marnie said no. She wanted to do this mom thing on her own. To prove that she could take care of her own children. Besides, her mother-in-law had just been there. She came when they brought Trey home from the hospital, had made meals, gave Jeremy so much attention he hardly knew a baby brother even existed. She kept up with the laundry and took the baby during the day so Marnie could rest. Lynnette had been wonderful and helpful but now it was Marnie’s turn to show Stuart she could take care of her own children.

  Except that’s not what happened.

  Jeremy woke with a hundred-and-two degree fever in the middle of the night, and then threw up all over his crib. At the same time, Trey was breastfeeding, and then had an up-the-back blowout. It took Marnie four hours to clean the kids, break the fever, change the sheets, wash the bedding, and feed the baby again before everyone was settled back into the guest bedroom for what was left of the night.

  She never told anyone. The incident had proven so parentally mortifying she would take it to the grave.

  And even now, all these years later, Marnie was still doing most of the parenting, and it was hard, with Jeremy always taunting Trey, and Trey always being so sensitive and just a bit too whiny. It was a wonder Marnie hadn’t broken down sooner.

  Maybe she shouldn’t have gone to the lengths that she did, but she had been so desperate to find something, to recapture whatever was missing in their marriage, in their family and their lives, that she was sure another baby would bring them all the happiness they needed. She was positive a baby would complete their family.

  Chapter Nine

  July 1988

  “How long are your parents gone for?” Joe asked.

  “Late August.”

  “We can only be in love until then,” he said.

  Marnie’s eyes practically popped out of her head at the L word, and he quickly covered up the flub, “Like. We can only be in ‘like’ until your parents get home.” That was the closest he had been to saying it.

  “So,” Marnie raised her eyebrows. “You’re in ‘like’ with me? That’s big news.”

  Joe grinned. Marnie was relieved she had turned the awkward moment into a lighthearted one. She didn’t need tension.

  In the days that followed, what they were doing, being in ‘like,’ or whatever it was, their attraction grew. Whether in Joe’s mind, if he was simply keeping busy until school resumed, or something else, Marnie didn’t know. What she knew though, something was happening. And she didn’t want it to stop.

  She tried to be cool, to not get caught up waiting by the phone, she tried not to cancel plans with Collette if Joe wanted to do something. But she found herself doing just that. Marnie worked her shifts at The Bean and went to her photography class, but other than that, she was available to Joe anytime he called, and saw him whenever he wanted to see her. Which was all of the time. This was how she wanted to spend the rest of her summer.

  She knew this was not the way to keep a guy interested, by being so available, but she felt it was completely out of her control. She gave into it – into him – readily, not thinking of anything but the now.

  Soon, they’d both be back at school and she didn’t know what would happen then. She felt though, that her heart would collapse at the thought of not being near him. Marni
e had never had such a connection with anyone so quickly.

  And their connection was growing more and more intense each time they were together.

  It was only a matter of time.

  After the first-night underwear setback, Marnie knew she had to be ready. A trip to Victoria’s Secret and eighty-four dollars later, she was confident that no matter what she would be wearing, on whatever day, whenever and wherever it was going to happen, she would make sure that for the rest of his life, he would remember her and her underwear.

  **

  They were in her room, and although she knew it was going to happen, she was nervous, still, like she shouldn’t be in her bedroom with him. It wasn’t grown-up enough. There were stuffed animals, Cure and U2 posters tacked to the walls, books, empty wine cooler bottles, tops and shorts thrown about, Cosmo magazines tossed on the floor, jewelry and hair clips and makeup piled on the dresser. She should have cleaned her room, made her room romantic. Hell, she bought new underwear for the occasion; she should have cleaned her room. She knew this would be happening. And she hadn’t prepared.

  He didn’t care. He was focused on her, not on any other details. He was lying on top of her, on her unmade bed and the pink and purple comforter. He was still dressed, although he had slipped off her shorts and tank. He stared so hard into her eyes that she could see her own reflection in his dark pupils.

  “What?” Her shaky voice took her by surprise.

  “You’re just… beautiful.”

  It was what she wanted to hear. It was the perfect thing to say, at the perfect time, and she lifted her head to his, and his mouth found hers, and he kissed her, soft, and then a bit harder, wanting more. But it was good. It was all good. And even though she was practically naked, she felt so warm beneath him. And safe. Closer than she had ever felt with anyone.